Nice

Bedtime theology with the 8 and 11 year-olds 

Waiting can make it hard to be nice.

(After dinner discussion)

Me: Well, everyone makes bad choices sometimes. Except Jesus.

11 yo: Even Jesus did! He ran away from his parents that one time.

Me: Well, I guess that’s true, although he was in the temple.

8 yo: God made a bad choice when he sent those 10 Commandments.

Me: The Ten Commandments?

8 yo: No, I mean those 10 pledges.

Me: 10 plagues.

8 yo: Yeah that was mean. God could have asked nicely.

Me: God did ask nicely and no one listened so I wonder if that's why God got more forceful.

8 yo: Yeah. I guess God was tired of being nice. I would’ve been tired of it, too.

My children have really wrestled with the story of the 10 plagues visited upon the Egyptians (who were enslaving the Israelites) in the Old Testament story. It's a brutal story: Moses (whom God has sent) asks Pharaoh to let the people go free; each time Pharaoh refuses, God sends another plague - flies, darkness, sickness and eventually the death of all first born sons. The kids and I have struggled with this story, although I recognize its function in the greater biblical narrative - God as a deliverer and liberator. That aside, my kid makes a good observation about the challenge of being nice. How nice is God? How nice do we have to be? What does it even mean to be nice?

I'm a Midwest-raised Lutheran -- being nice feels as essential as breathing. Niceness has long been an core value for me. I've politely thanked a dental hygienist who up-sold me on a procedure I didn't need (and I didn't complain); I've apologized profusely for in-store grocery cart collisions that weren't my fault. Is this what it means to be nice? Taken to an extreme, nice-ness is self-effacing or self-erasing. A physically or emotionally abusive relationship won't be improved by the abused person becoming "nicer." The problem with too much niceness or agreeableness is that it makes for bad boundaries. Boundaries keep us healthy and show where I end and you begin. Sometimes self care means being polite but firm in saying no, even if it doesn't seem nice. It has taken me about 40 years to figure this out, so hopefully you are quicker on the uptake. 

This is a hard time, politically and culturally, to be nice. I don't see very many nice social media posts from government officials lately. I screen the news that I allow my children to watch; there is too much name calling coming from the Oval Office and other entities as of late. I'm tempted to give up my quest to be nice and just join in the culture wars of name calling, blaming everyone else, twisting the truth and getting as rich as possible when you're in power. Sometimes I'm tired of being nice. 

It's a common misconception that Jesus was nice -- he was killed as a subversive enemy of the government, for one thing. Also he upset the tables of the hucksters in the temple who were making money off the poor and refused to nicely follow some social customs and religious rules of the day. Jesus valued marginalized people over niceness to those in power. Maybe he, too, got tired of being nice. 

I went to the post office on April 15 to mail a package. I forgot it was tax day until I saw the line stretching back nearly to the door. I had a kid in tow and a bunch of other errands; I was not in a nice mood. My 4-year-old amused himself by walking up and down the line, reporting back every time with how many people were in line in front of me. Mom, there are 12 more people in front of you! I groaned. A woman beside me watched my son and smiled. He's cute, how old is he? We had a pleasant conversation. I watched a man hold the door for someone. I saw a woman hold space in line so another woman could run back to her car. I observed the (single) post office clerk greet everyone kindly, apologize for the wait and ask every single person how their day was going. By the time I was at the counter, I felt nicer. I told the clerk I loved the flower in her hair - she gave me a huge grin. I remembered that niceness is possible, that it feels good and that it's much easier in person than online. 

 Maybe we're all just overstimulated at all the things coming at us via technology and that makes it hard to remember that we're all human beings (except for the bots). I learned this week that in 30 minutes of scrolling on the phone, you get more stimulation than the average person in 1950 got in a week. No wonder it's hard to be nice when we have so much coming in so fast.

It's summertime here and my kids are home a lot. When we're out and about, I try to point out the kindness I see in the world, and encourage them to see it, too. There's a lot of kindness and we can be part of it. Our family values politeness, kindness, gratitude and inclusion. Everyone deserves kindness, even and maybe especially when we don't agree with them. I think this is the world God intends: that each person is treated like a human being, worthy of respect because they are created in God's image. And when we see people, especially the marginalized, being treated with disrespect or cruelty, the faithful response is to speak up, even if it doesn't feel nice.